(Apologies for the length of the post, take from it what you will)
Stuff I thought was cool:
- I think the art style really works here. I personally prefer the more cartoony style over the overly polished AI or AI-adjacent art that seems to be flooding furry media now and I think you definitely put in a lot of effort for providing consistent art assets here. Good stuff.
- Sex scene was the strongest part of the game for me. Art worked, tone was consistent (i.e., not too horny, not too saccharine), and the "blocking" of the characters' actions was well-done and believable.
- I think quick games like this are a really good way to get started as opposed to jumping in and trying to make a VN with 16 routes or like a full-fledged RPG or whatever. I think this is a good jumping off point and I'd like to see more.
- Always nice to see another opossum appreciator :)
With that said, unsolicited writing advice:
The writing in this game is a bit... basic? Like, mechanically it's fine. No noticeable typos or grammar issues that I can recall. There are just a bunch of spots where this game could really use some "show, don't tell" to flesh out the characters more.
For example, in the intro, instead of just saying "Hello, I am Guy. I have a hobby and a crush on Girl." just open with a scene of James and Olivia interacting. It doesn't have to be like 5,000 words of dialogue, but this is a better way of establishing 1) what their relationship/interactions are normally like (is she chatty and friendly? Is she normally more distant and he just admires from afar?); 2) how she might be acting differently today because of what she's going to ask later (e.g., have James notice that she's anxiously talking more than usual, or conversely seems more aloof and preoccupied); 3) some details about their job, if you deem that necessary. If the conversation is about work, that can clarify what work they're doing rather than directly stating "I work at Company doing Job".
There are a few other spots in the game that come to mind too. Like when Olivia is sending dress options, maybe have her send a couple comments for each one to walk through her thought process. As is, it looks like she's visibly uncomfortable in two of them, so maybe expanding on why she's considering them at all might give some insight into her character (does she have self-confidence issues? Does she feel pressured to dress a certain way because of her parents? Did she impulse buy a dress off an Instagram ad that doesn't look great in person?)
Another great spot to expand is the car ride to Olivia's parents' house - maybe have her talk about why she's single, use that to expand on her interests and provide a common ground for her and James (e.g., O: "I just don't have time to find a boyfriend because I'm so busy with Activity." J: "Wait, you like Activity? *I* like Activity!" O: "No way! I can't believe you've been into Activity all this time and I never knew!"). This can also give James more ammunition to talk about with her parents besides just like, being polite and not suspicious for an hour.
A couple other suggestions: Maybe a little more lead-in to the sex scene would be good too - like I said above, the sex itself is good to go, but the setup is a bit... nonchalant? Like maybe build on some of those previous conversations and have Olivia express that things went way better than she was expecting and that she doesn't want the night to end or something. Also, the proposal ending feels a bit trite. I think you could just end the story after the sex scene with the pair agreeing to try going out for real and it would still get the job done.
Hopefully that doesn't sound too nitpicky, but a lot of these are things you could add that wouldn't take up a lot of "time" in the script and would go a long way for providing context for the characters, which would make the story more engaging and narratively satisfying.
Neutral comment:
- Not sure why this is in Unity? This seems like it would have been way easier to do in Renpy. If it's like a test run with making a game in Unity before you go on to bigger and better things, more power to you though.
Thank you for the advice. I know what you are talking about for most of it. Initially this VN was longer and had many of the scenes you were talking about. However they had to be cut due to time. We wanted to get this out before Thanksgiving for personal reasons. Drawing the art assets for those scenes would sadly have pushed us past that deadline.
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this game gets the thumbs up of approval👍
Hey, not bad for your first game (I think)!
(Apologies for the length of the post, take from it what you will)
Stuff I thought was cool:
- I think the art style really works here. I personally prefer the more cartoony style over the overly polished AI or AI-adjacent art that seems to be flooding furry media now and I think you definitely put in a lot of effort for providing consistent art assets here. Good stuff.
- Sex scene was the strongest part of the game for me. Art worked, tone was consistent (i.e., not too horny, not too saccharine), and the "blocking" of the characters' actions was well-done and believable.
- I think quick games like this are a really good way to get started as opposed to jumping in and trying to make a VN with 16 routes or like a full-fledged RPG or whatever. I think this is a good jumping off point and I'd like to see more.
- Always nice to see another opossum appreciator :)
With that said, unsolicited writing advice:
The writing in this game is a bit... basic? Like, mechanically it's fine. No noticeable typos or grammar issues that I can recall. There are just a bunch of spots where this game could really use some "show, don't tell" to flesh out the characters more.
For example, in the intro, instead of just saying "Hello, I am Guy. I have a hobby and a crush on Girl." just open with a scene of James and Olivia interacting. It doesn't have to be like 5,000 words of dialogue, but this is a better way of establishing 1) what their relationship/interactions are normally like (is she chatty and friendly? Is she normally more distant and he just admires from afar?); 2) how she might be acting differently today because of what she's going to ask later (e.g., have James notice that she's anxiously talking more than usual, or conversely seems more aloof and preoccupied); 3) some details about their job, if you deem that necessary. If the conversation is about work, that can clarify what work they're doing rather than directly stating "I work at Company doing Job".
There are a few other spots in the game that come to mind too. Like when Olivia is sending dress options, maybe have her send a couple comments for each one to walk through her thought process. As is, it looks like she's visibly uncomfortable in two of them, so maybe expanding on why she's considering them at all might give some insight into her character (does she have self-confidence issues? Does she feel pressured to dress a certain way because of her parents? Did she impulse buy a dress off an Instagram ad that doesn't look great in person?)
Another great spot to expand is the car ride to Olivia's parents' house - maybe have her talk about why she's single, use that to expand on her interests and provide a common ground for her and James (e.g., O: "I just don't have time to find a boyfriend because I'm so busy with Activity." J: "Wait, you like Activity? *I* like Activity!" O: "No way! I can't believe you've been into Activity all this time and I never knew!"). This can also give James more ammunition to talk about with her parents besides just like, being polite and not suspicious for an hour.
A couple other suggestions: Maybe a little more lead-in to the sex scene would be good too - like I said above, the sex itself is good to go, but the setup is a bit... nonchalant? Like maybe build on some of those previous conversations and have Olivia express that things went way better than she was expecting and that she doesn't want the night to end or something. Also, the proposal ending feels a bit trite. I think you could just end the story after the sex scene with the pair agreeing to try going out for real and it would still get the job done.
Hopefully that doesn't sound too nitpicky, but a lot of these are things you could add that wouldn't take up a lot of "time" in the script and would go a long way for providing context for the characters, which would make the story more engaging and narratively satisfying.
Neutral comment:
- Not sure why this is in Unity? This seems like it would have been way easier to do in Renpy. If it's like a test run with making a game in Unity before you go on to bigger and better things, more power to you though.
Good stuff overall - hope you stick with it.
Thank you for the advice. I know what you are talking about for most of it. Initially this VN was longer and had many of the scenes you were talking about. However they had to be cut due to time. We wanted to get this out before Thanksgiving for personal reasons. Drawing the art assets for those scenes would sadly have pushed us past that deadline.
Good work!!!
Thank you.